“There are only three more, so act fast.”

“If you want to be one of the in crowd, …”

“If you want to be a team player, …”

We have all heard statements like these.  They induce a sense of fear or guilt, leaving us afraid we won’t fit in or we somehow be good enough if we don’t do what they want us to do.  They play on our potential insecurities. Sales people use fear to encourage us to buy now – from them.  The stereotypical plastic surgeon uses fear to sow doubt in our mind so we will want more surgery.  Others use guilt to make us conform.  And as the political season heats up, we see politicians using fear and guilt as their mainstays – it would be un-American, it would be reckless, it would change our way of life, or ….

Far too often it works.  We let the emotional doubt jump into our mind before we think things through. We play right into their hands.  Emotional responses cloud our thinking and we lose sight of our own goals and interests.  We lose our capacity to maintain control of our choices and life.

These tactics can be dangerous.  Fear and guilt are negative feelings; they bring us down and we don’t like feeling that way.  If we use these tactics too often, we become associated with the negative and people are more likely to want to avoid us.  If we come on too strong, we risk pushing people too far into the fear, leaving them unable to make a decision.  Plus, these tactics are now so prevalent that people are getting tired of all the emotional drama; the strategy may be losing some of its impact.

When targeted with these tactics, we are best served by stopping, taking a deep breath and evaluating the statement.  Is it true?  Would it really be a bad thing if it happened?  Much of the time we recognize the emotional ploy and can then make an informed decision based on what we think is in our best interest, not what the other party wants us to do.  We can maintain control of our lives.

When we are tempted to use these tactics, we are best served by taking a moment to think about the potential consequences.  Will they be likely to have buyer’s remorse when the emotions fade?  Will the person jump in whole-heartedly and support this, or adopt a lackadaisical “I don’t really care” attitude?  Are we overloading people with the negative and so pushing them away?  Will they want to do more business with me in the future?

Emotions are tricky and unpredictable.  If you choose to use these tactics, be prepared for different possible outcomes.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

You just finished telling someone you were meeting with the boss to review your project.  They immediately try to console you: “It won’t be too bad.”  You aren’t at all concerned and are puzzled by this response.

Your friend is preparing to visit family and you immediately think – “how fun”.  Your friend is actually dreading the occasion and doesn’t appreciate the reminder that his/her family is not as much fun as yours.

So many times when we communicate, the other party seems to get the wrong impression.  Sometimes the impression is voiced, sometimes it isn’t.  This can lead to all sorts of problems, both in the short- and the long-term – especially when it is left unvoiced.  When are we going to admit we cannot read one another’s mind?

This problem belongs to both the speaker and the listener.

Listeners tend to jump to conclusions and make assumptions about what they are hearing.  This is largely due to a failure to actively listen – a failure to listen to the feelings behind the words, to ask clarifying questions etc.  Compounding this, they most often make these assumptions based on their own experiences, not the speaker’s.  If the listener just got chewed out by the boss about a project, they might assume everyone is getting the same treatment.  If the listener has a great family life, they may assume everyone can say that.  By jumping to conclusions based on assumptions, by trying to mind read, they create a misunderstanding and open the door to potential conflicts now and in the future.

To avoid this type of problem, we want to remember to practice active listening and ask questions to clarify the message.  This includes setting our own agenda aside while we listen, which is sometimes difficult.  It also helps to ask ourselves if a judgment or opinion is called for and if not we can remain quiet.  For example, there is no reason to try to reassure someone a meeting with the boss shouldn’t be too bad unless the speaker looks for reassurance.   Not every statement calls for a response.

Speakers can help prevent potential problems by being clear, and by verifying their intention was heard.  As usual, the ore important the subject, the more important it is the speaker clearly express his/her thoughts and desired response.

Some of us are more intuitive than others, or better at reading people than others; twins come to mind.  It is a very rare person who can reliably and consistently read someone else’s mind.  For the rest of us, we are best served by working on our communication and listening skills.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Why do people start by telling us what they want: “I want to tell you about …” or “I’d like to share with you …”?  I increasingly hear it in advertisements, presentations and conversations – anywhere there is an opportunity for communication.  Typically I believe it is perceived as a soft attempt to draw the audience in and get them engaged.  There is only one problem: it’s really not very effective.

When we start off by talking about what WE want, we run the risk of being perceived as egotistical, know-it-alls, arrogant or pedantic.  We might be perceived as thinking out loud.  We might be perceived, ironically, as disengaged when we think we are trying to engage our listeners.  There are a number of ways we might be perceived, and they are not very flattering.

The fact is, when we are speaking, people don’t really care what we want – they want to know what’s in it for them.  The more resistance we face, the more reluctance the listener shows, the more important it is we capture their attention – all these make it more important we address their wants up front and connect our ideas to their interests.  If we start by what it is we want, without taking time to find out what the audience wants, we stand a good chance of losing them before we ever get to “meat” of our message.  If they don’t tune out immediately, chances are they are not giving it their full attention.  Give them a reason to listen.  This is especially true of sales communications.  It is especially true in our current environment where people have short attention spans and think in sound bites.

The real question, then, is: what does may audience want or need to hear?  What can I say that will interest them so I can grab their attention?  If possible, find out what they want first.  If not, start with comments on the things that might be of interest to them.  If there is something in our message that we feel it is critically important the listener hear, we can say something like: “Probably the most important thing to remember if you want to succeed at this is that you ….”  Keep the focus on them and how it benefits them

Questions are often employed as a tool to get us engaged and thinking.  We might ask if they have thought of what they would do if …, or if they had ever experienced ….  Another technique is to bring in statistics that are big enough to garner attention: 64% of people ….  There are a lot of techniques.  What they have in common is that they all focus on what the audience might be interested in and start from a position of YOU.

Once the communication is established, it is then okay to introduce a limited amount of “I”.  If there is something that we really need to know the listener hears, we can say something like: “It is really important that I know you hear me on this.”  Just don’t lead off with this type of statement.

Communication happens when both sides, speaking and listening, are engaged.  We are best served by focusing on how to engage them is we want to be successful communicators.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Wanting to present ourselves in the best possible light is normal.  We often go to great lengths to make ourselves look good by selectively editing information, or by manipulating or even omitting the context.  We “spin” the truth to our advantage.

It happens so often that some forms have become almost trite.  How often have you heard someone say: “I doubled sales last year” or “I finished third in the contest”?  There isn’t enough information in these statements to make sense of the value.  Saying we doubled sales may or may not be impressive: did we double them from one to two or from 5,000 to 10,000?  Big difference!  The same question applies to the contest: were we third of five or third of five hundred?

These statements are all true.  The problem is they do not convey enough information for us to make sense of them.  And yet, all too often we take these statements at face value without investigating the context.  This can cause a lot of disruption, confusion and conflict.  If we spin information too much, creating false perceptions, it destroys our integrity and puts everything we say or do into question.  It calls our integrity into question and we risk having people lost their respect for or trust in us.  There is so much spin in the political arena these days there are people whose job it is to look into the statements and provide the context so we can evaluate them.  It’s no wonder we the people have such a hard time getting behind a candidate; we simply don’t believe them anymore.

What can we do to present ourselves in the best light?  Perhaps the most important thing to remember is to manage impressions so they are accurate.  When we risk image for honesty, the honesty will enhance our credibility and image.  False impressions are bound to be discovered; they are then perceived as lies.  Lying is always going to found out sooner or later, and we don’t like feeling lied to or manipulated.  People have more respect for those who are honest and show some integrity.

There are, of course, other things we can do to present ourselves favorably.  If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you already know most of the strategies: stay positive, treat others with respect, refrain from blaming, judging, name-calling and other destructive communications, and stay open to continuous learning.

If we want to be someone people want to work with and be with, we want to manage the impression we leave on others.  It’s okay to present ourselves in the best possible light so long as we are not misleading people.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

We all know someone who does it: they call it as they see it.  They are so outspoken we never have to wonder what they are thinking; they put it out there.

There is nothing wrong with calling it as you see it.  It is honest.  Where people get into trouble is when they fail to take into account how others hear them.  (I am of course talking of negative comments, as no one minds positive comments.)

Perhaps the most obvious “style” is the blunt person.  They say what they are thinking with no regard for how others hear or perceive them.  We see a lot of this in the political discourse these days, such as the sign I saw on a car that said, “That [candidate’s name] bumper sticker on your car might as well say ‘yes, I really am that stupid’.”  While this is an extreme example, it is not all that exaggerated.  Consider the person who says “Nobody in their right mind would ….”

Others are more subtle.  They may sugar coat and/or pretend to be doing someone a favor: “Oh honey.  That color just won’t do for you.”   Or they may qualify a compliment: “That is a better effort than I expected.”  Still others resort to sarcasm and may pretend to by joking: “It’s about time!”  Others casually and even ignorantly throw out labels: “That is mean”.  There are many different ways to express ourselves.

Any of these tactics can backfire.  These people are often perceived as rude and insensitive – not fun to be around.   If the issue is at all sensitive, they are also likely to be considered judgmental, egotistical and close minded.  Our responses vary: if the comment is perceived to be overtly hurtful, we tend to avoid them when possible; we may simply try to avoid the person; and we may just shrug it off.  Rarely do we find comments we consider to be mean-spirited to be amusing or entertaining (unless we too engage in mean-spirited thinking).

We can express ourselves honestly and at the same time maintain respect.  We do this by making sure we state our comments as opinions, by refraining from sarcasm and labels, and by softening our tone.  It is okay to say: “I don’t agree”, “I think a different color would bring out [your eyes] better”, “That was a great effort”, or “I’ve been looking forward to this”.  It is even okay to say something when someone says something that strikes you as mean-spirited, such as: “What am I missing – that seems a little mean-spirited or mean to me?” or "I am uncomfortable with that because it seems mean-spirited to me."  These statements keep the possibility of dialogue open and still convey honest feelings and thoughts.

As always, it is a question of how we want to be perceived and what kind of impression we want to leave on others.  That impression may well follow us for a long time, so it behooves us to make sure we create a positive one.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

We’ve all run into them: the whiners and gripers. The person who says: “They just rebuilt that and it hasn’t worked for two weeks. What’s wrong with them, anyhow?” Or: “I hate doing this. I wish someone else would do it.”

Whining and griping are extremely ineffective forms of complaining. We label those who engage in this type of behaviors as chronic complainers and malcontents. At work, it can have a serious effect on our careers. And yet it is prevalent.

Why is it so bad? The two top reasons:
it is negative behavior and people feel better when they focus on the positive. this is as true of the whiner as it is of their audience. if we spend time in the presence of whiners, we feel worse.

A businessman recently asked: “Does it really matter how we say things? After all this is an office and we are about getting things done quickly.”

Clearly I am going to say yes it matters. Here are some of the reasons:

1. Customers who perceive interactions as stressful, rude or otherwise unpleasant are not anxious to repeat the experience. This can cost us repeat business and referrals. If we don’t care about them, they will not care about us.
2. People who feel they are treated rudely do not feel valued and do not enjoy the interaction. If this continues, they are more likely to think of the rude person as a jerk and cooperate begrudgingly or half-heartedly. If possible, they may well end the relationship.
3. People feel pushed away and devalued when they perceive they are not being treated with respect. The relationship suffers, stress increases and conflict is more likely. This is especially true of close relationships, such as family and friends.
4. Words can cause significant harm. The old saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”, is a lie. Words hurt, and the pain and harm caused can last a long time – even a lifetime. It can change who a person is.
5. A workplace (or any other place) can be considered unpleasant or even toxic if we insist on communicating in a manner that is perceived as rude.

“It’s a beautiful day!” “No, it’s too hot/cold.”

“I don’t know why they even bother with raises this year. It’s such a joke; we can’t do anything with this paltry amount anyhow – we’ll probably just have to pay it all back in taxes.”

We have all heard negative comments like these. They take the energy out of a conversation in less time than it takes to say, “Gesundheit”.

Some people seem to exude negativity. Regardless of the topic, they can find something wrong with it. I even heard someone complain that her casino winnings were a joke – it was only a couple hundred dollars, not enough to do anything with. (I can think of many good uses for that money!) Being around someone who is always negative saps our energy. We don’t feel good when we are near them. It is not fun or even mildly pleasant. It certainly is not motivating.

Others always seem to be “up”. They see the good in everything, and create it when it seems to be missing. Clearly those who stay positive, who are “up” on life, are more fun to be around and make us feel better. They make us feel better about life. They motivate us. We also get more done.

Many of us find we occasionally slip into negativity. We may be generally happy and positive, but sometimes life gets us down a bit. This is not unusual. It is a problem if we find ourselves going negative too often.

We have a choice: we can wallow in the negative, give up our energy and drive others away, or we can celebrate the good in life and maintain our energy, attract others. We make this decision constantly with the stories we tell ourselves – and others. Clearly, we enjoy life more when we appreciate the good that we can find all around us.

How can we focus on the positive and be the kind of person others want to be with?

1. We can look for the good in every situation. Seldom is a situation so bad there is nothing to celebrate.
2. If it is something we cannot control, we can simply accept it and move on. For example, we cannot control the weather; if it is too hot/cold, so what? Focus on what is in our control and move on.
3. If we find ourselves surrounded by negative people, we can distance ourselves so we don’t have to hear it all the time. We don’t have to let others usurp our energy. Instead, we can surround ourselves with positive people.
4. Watch labels. Instead of saying “this is bad”, say it would “work better for you if …”