We all know someone who does it: they call it as they see it.  They are so outspoken we never have to wonder what they are thinking; they put it out there.

There is nothing wrong with calling it as you see it.  It is honest.  Where people get into trouble is when they fail to take into account how others hear them.  (I am of course talking of negative comments, as no one minds positive comments.)

Perhaps the most obvious “style” is the blunt person.  They say what they are thinking with no regard for how others hear or perceive them.  We see a lot of this in the political discourse these days, such as the sign I saw on a car that said, “That [candidate’s name] bumper sticker on your car might as well say ‘yes, I really am that stupid’.”  While this is an extreme example, it is not all that exaggerated.  Consider the person who says “Nobody in their right mind would ….”

Others are more subtle.  They may sugar coat and/or pretend to be doing someone a favor: “Oh honey.  That color just won’t do for you.”   Or they may qualify a compliment: “That is a better effort than I expected.”  Still others resort to sarcasm and may pretend to by joking: “It’s about time!”  Others casually and even ignorantly throw out labels: “That is mean”.  There are many different ways to express ourselves.

Any of these tactics can backfire.  These people are often perceived as rude and insensitive – not fun to be around.   If the issue is at all sensitive, they are also likely to be considered judgmental, egotistical and close minded.  Our responses vary: if the comment is perceived to be overtly hurtful, we tend to avoid them when possible; we may simply try to avoid the person; and we may just shrug it off.  Rarely do we find comments we consider to be mean-spirited to be amusing or entertaining (unless we too engage in mean-spirited thinking).

We can express ourselves honestly and at the same time maintain respect.  We do this by making sure we state our comments as opinions, by refraining from sarcasm and labels, and by softening our tone.  It is okay to say: “I don’t agree”, “I think a different color would bring out [your eyes] better”, “That was a great effort”, or “I’ve been looking forward to this”.  It is even okay to say something when someone says something that strikes you as mean-spirited, such as: “What am I missing – that seems a little mean-spirited or mean to me?” or "I am uncomfortable with that because it seems mean-spirited to me."  These statements keep the possibility of dialogue open and still convey honest feelings and thoughts.

As always, it is a question of how we want to be perceived and what kind of impression we want to leave on others.  That impression may well follow us for a long time, so it behooves us to make sure we create a positive one.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!