Why do people start by telling us what they want: “I want to tell you about …” or “I’d like to share with you …”?  I increasingly hear it in advertisements, presentations and conversations – anywhere there is an opportunity for communication.  Typically I believe it is perceived as a soft attempt to draw the audience in and get them engaged.  There is only one problem: it’s really not very effective.

When we start off by talking about what WE want, we run the risk of being perceived as egotistical, know-it-alls, arrogant or pedantic.  We might be perceived as thinking out loud.  We might be perceived, ironically, as disengaged when we think we are trying to engage our listeners.  There are a number of ways we might be perceived, and they are not very flattering.

The fact is, when we are speaking, people don’t really care what we want – they want to know what’s in it for them.  The more resistance we face, the more reluctance the listener shows, the more important it is we capture their attention – all these make it more important we address their wants up front and connect our ideas to their interests.  If we start by what it is we want, without taking time to find out what the audience wants, we stand a good chance of losing them before we ever get to “meat” of our message.  If they don’t tune out immediately, chances are they are not giving it their full attention.  Give them a reason to listen.  This is especially true of sales communications.  It is especially true in our current environment where people have short attention spans and think in sound bites.

The real question, then, is: what does may audience want or need to hear?  What can I say that will interest them so I can grab their attention?  If possible, find out what they want first.  If not, start with comments on the things that might be of interest to them.  If there is something in our message that we feel it is critically important the listener hear, we can say something like: “Probably the most important thing to remember if you want to succeed at this is that you ….”  Keep the focus on them and how it benefits them

Questions are often employed as a tool to get us engaged and thinking.  We might ask if they have thought of what they would do if …, or if they had ever experienced ….  Another technique is to bring in statistics that are big enough to garner attention: 64% of people ….  There are a lot of techniques.  What they have in common is that they all focus on what the audience might be interested in and start from a position of YOU.

Once the communication is established, it is then okay to introduce a limited amount of “I”.  If there is something that we really need to know the listener hears, we can say something like: “It is really important that I know you hear me on this.”  Just don’t lead off with this type of statement.

Communication happens when both sides, speaking and listening, are engaged.  We are best served by focusing on how to engage them is we want to be successful communicators.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!