You just finished telling someone you were meeting with the boss to review your project.  They immediately try to console you: “It won’t be too bad.”  You aren’t at all concerned and are puzzled by this response.

Your friend is preparing to visit family and you immediately think – “how fun”.  Your friend is actually dreading the occasion and doesn’t appreciate the reminder that his/her family is not as much fun as yours.

So many times when we communicate, the other party seems to get the wrong impression.  Sometimes the impression is voiced, sometimes it isn’t.  This can lead to all sorts of problems, both in the short- and the long-term – especially when it is left unvoiced.  When are we going to admit we cannot read one another’s mind?

This problem belongs to both the speaker and the listener.

Listeners tend to jump to conclusions and make assumptions about what they are hearing.  This is largely due to a failure to actively listen – a failure to listen to the feelings behind the words, to ask clarifying questions etc.  Compounding this, they most often make these assumptions based on their own experiences, not the speaker’s.  If the listener just got chewed out by the boss about a project, they might assume everyone is getting the same treatment.  If the listener has a great family life, they may assume everyone can say that.  By jumping to conclusions based on assumptions, by trying to mind read, they create a misunderstanding and open the door to potential conflicts now and in the future.

To avoid this type of problem, we want to remember to practice active listening and ask questions to clarify the message.  This includes setting our own agenda aside while we listen, which is sometimes difficult.  It also helps to ask ourselves if a judgment or opinion is called for and if not we can remain quiet.  For example, there is no reason to try to reassure someone a meeting with the boss shouldn’t be too bad unless the speaker looks for reassurance.   Not every statement calls for a response.

Speakers can help prevent potential problems by being clear, and by verifying their intention was heard.  As usual, the ore important the subject, the more important it is the speaker clearly express his/her thoughts and desired response.

Some of us are more intuitive than others, or better at reading people than others; twins come to mind.  It is a very rare person who can reliably and consistently read someone else’s mind.  For the rest of us, we are best served by working on our communication and listening skills.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!