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From Rude to Respect

2012-05-18T19:54:31Z

You send important documents to someone and … wait. You finally call to see if they were received.

You submit a critical piece of a project and never hear if it was satisfactory.

You hear a co-worker making disparaging remarks about someone, treating it as a joke.

I hear this type of complaint all the time; people don’t take the time to acknowledge something someone did, leaving the person wondering. Or they engage in communications that leave the person feeling devalued or worse. Inevitably, I hear the person bemoaning how rude the others were.

We live in an increasingly rude society. The media is full of examples, one more flagrant than the next. There was even a restaurant, thankfully short-lived, that used rude waiters as their gimmick. It is so common any more that people increasingly seem to take it for granted and assume it doesn’t really matter – after all, everyone is doing it.

It does matter. It matters in personal and business relationships. It matters if you want to want to have an ongoing relationship of any type, if you want to leave a favorable impression, if you want people to feel good about their interface with you, and it even matters if you want to feel good about yourself.

It is often said that business is not the place to get your emotional needs met, and yet we all know people do business with people they like. It is hard to like someone who is rude. Rude behavior leaves us feeling off guard, wondering what is going on. Did they get the papers – or not? Do they value me/my business – or not? Is this a pleasant interaction that I want to repeat – or not?

One frequent example of this type behavior is in the job search process. Companies can find it overwhelming to receive hundreds of resumes, leaving them unable to acknowledge each one; that’s one reason networking into a company is a preferred tactic. While it may not seem to matter to the company, it matters to the job seeker and perhaps, more importantly, it can leave them wondering what would it would really be like to work there after all.

The impression we make matters. People are more likely to return to a business if they had a good experience. They are more likely to want to maintain any type of relationship, business or personal, if it leaves them feeling good.

There are certain things all people want and need, such as a healthy self-esteem, love and belonging. (Remember Maslow?) They may not be conscious of these needs, but they are there. These needs are critical to establishing and maintaining a positive impression on others. If you leave people feeling bad, neglected, taken for granted, unappreciated or otherwise unhappy, you are less likely to see them again.

The solution of course is to say a simple thank you when someone does something; to leave the name-calling, sarcasm and catty remarks for your self-talk (or better yet, break that habit all together); to treat others with respect. It takes little time or effort and makes not only the other person feel good about what happened, but it will make you feel better too.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Integrity

2012-04-19T20:20:28Z

“I’ll finish the report by tomorrow morning.”

“I’ll find two more suppliers.”

We hear people say things like this all the time. Unfortunately, we also find people don’t always do what it is they said they would do. The report is late and we still need to find two more suppliers. When these failures to act cause us more work or some other inconvenience, we are irritated and we lose trust in the person.

Keeping and being our word is important. People make judgments and decisions about what kind of person we are based on how well we live up to our word. When we fail to follow through, they devalue what we say and lose trust in us. The more we disappoint, the less people want to work with us. While harmful to any relationship, this can be deadly for a career where teamwork is critical.

Keeping one’s word is clear indicator of a person’s integrity. Integrity is based on aligning our words and actions so that we are acting from a place of wholeness. It involves our values and ethics. Doing something we said we would do is a piece of this. Consistently acting in accordance with our stated beliefs is another.

When we break with our integrity, we inconvenience others. This can have wide-ranging ramifications. Perhaps more importantly, when we break with our integrity we create a break within ourselves – we are not acting in alignment with our values and word. This typically leaves us feeling unsettled, depressed, disappointed – less than whole. Now we are inconveniencing ourselves as we work to restore ourselves to wholeness. There is a tension in the break that can take some time and effort to heal. We may even develop physical symptoms of dis-ease.

It can be challenging to stay true to ourselves. We want to do the right thing by others. To avoid these problems, we want to practice saying “No” in a firm and compassionate manner – “Thanks – I would love to help you but I really can’t do that.”

We may be required to do something at work that we disagree with. This can be more difficult than disappointing a friend. We may be able to modify the request so it is a better fit. If not, we might be compelled to break our integrity. When forced to do something we disagree with, it can help to acknowledge the problem before we act: “I do not want to do this, but my job depends on it.” If we find ourselves repeatedly breaking with our integrity, we may want to start looking for a job that is a better fit.

Maintaining our integrity makes life easier. We can easily make decisions based on what is aligned with our words. We can enjoy feeling more peaceful and whole. It is a well worth deciding what kind of person we want to be and striving always to live up to that ideal by living with integrity.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Civility Matters

2012-03-15T22:35:49Z

“What makes him think his is the only opinion that matters?”

“I would vote for Mickey Mouse before I would vote for [pick a candidate].”

The lack of civility on our culture is rampant and getting worse all the time. Television shows “entertain” us with snarky, sarcastic and downright rude commentaries and we seem to eat it up. We emulate the bad behaviors in our everyday lives and laugh at it. With political season here again, this is rising to new levels in both frequency and volume, bringing out the worst in people.

Civility matters. People base their perceptions of us on how we act and the words we use. Our choice and challenge is to determine what that perception we want to create and to behave in a way that is consistent with that desire. Do we want to be perceived as hateful, crass, rude, arrogant, sarcastic, closed minded, difficult to work with and all the other negative adjectives you hear bandied about around people who fail to exercise civility? Or do we want to be perceived and polite, kind, respectful, compassionate, a pleasure to work with, open minded and all the positive adjectives associated with people who are civil.

We have a choice. We can choose words that build people up or that tear people down. When we choose to build people up, we affirm them and help create an atmosphere where everyone can flourish and strive for happiness. We help make the world a better place.

When we choose words that tear people down we create a culture of fear, violence and conflict. Engaging in this behavior prevents us from finding true happiness. We see this in the school and office shootings that result from bullying. We also see it in the increased yelling, name calling, right fighting and other polarizing behaviors that are creating so much brokenness and discord in our society. This is not a winning choice; it does not serve us well.

Staying on the positive path in a negative culture is not always easy. Emotions run high and it is emotions that make it so easy to go negative. If we want to protect our image, we need to watch our own words and make sure we are stay positive and uplifting. The best way to do this is to monitor our thinking and focus our thoughts, voiced or not, on the positive. Under stress our true thoughts come out, so we want to work at making sure our thoughts are constructive and not destructive. If it helps, picture yourself tearing the flesh off someone when you have a sarcastic thought; that is the root meaning of the word.

Another important step in turning down the negative rhetoric is to let people know we do not appreciate it. Nowhere is it written that we have to laugh when entertainers spew destructive comments. It is easy to tell them we don’t find their comments helpful or productive and let them know we don’t want to hear any more of that kind of language. Removing ourselves from this atmosphere helps ensure we do not become accustomed to it and can more readily stay on our own path.

Words still matter. Choose to play on the side of constructive and affirming discourse and be mindful of the perceptions others are creating about you based on your words. People will think more highly of you and it will serve you well.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Fear & Guilt

2012-02-17T21:09:51Z

“There are only three more, so act fast.”

“If you want to be one of the in crowd, …”

“If you want to be a team player, …”

We have all heard statements like these. They induce a sense of fear or guilt, leaving us afraid we won’t fit in or we somehow be good enough if we don’t do what they want us to do. They play on our potential insecurities. Sales people use fear to encourage us to buy now – from them. The stereotypical plastic surgeon uses fear to sow doubt in our mind so we will want more surgery. Others use guilt to make us conform. And as the political season heats up, we see politicians using fear and guilt as their mainstays – it would be un-American, it would be reckless, it would change our way of life, or ….

Far too often it works. We let the emotional doubt jump into our mind before we think things through. We play right into their hands. Emotional responses cloud our thinking and we lose sight of our own goals and interests. We lose our capacity to maintain control of our choices and life.

These tactics can be dangerous. Fear and guilt are negative feelings; they bring us down and we don’t like feeling that way. If we use these tactics too often, we become associated with the negative and people are more likely to want to avoid us. If we come on too strong, we risk pushing people too far into the fear, leaving them unable to make a decision. Plus, these tactics are now so prevalent that people are getting tired of all the emotional drama; the strategy may be losing some of its impact.

When targeted with these tactics, we are best served by stopping, taking a deep breath and evaluating the statement. Is it true? Would it really be a bad thing if it happened? Much of the time we recognize the emotional ploy and can then make an informed decision based on what we think is in our best interest, not what the other party wants us to do. We can maintain control of our lives.

When we are tempted to use these tactics, we are best served by taking a moment to think about the potential consequences. Will they be likely to have buyer’s remorse when the emotions fade? Will the person jump in whole-heartedly and support this, or adopt a lackadaisical “I don’t really care” attitude? Are we overloading people with the negative and so pushing them away? Will they want to do more business with me in the future?

Emotions are tricky and unpredictable. If you choose to use these tactics, be prepared for different possible outcomes.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Mind Reading

2012-01-13T16:48:15Z

You just finished telling someone you were meeting with the boss to review your project. They immediately try to console you: “It won’t be too bad.” You aren’t at all concerned and are puzzled by this response.

Your friend is preparing to visit family and you immediately think – “how fun”. Your friend is actually dreading the occasion and doesn’t appreciate the reminder that his/her family is not as much fun as yours.

So many times when we communicate, the other party seems to get the wrong impression. Sometimes the impression is voiced, sometimes it isn’t. This can lead to all sorts of problems, both in the short- and the long-term – especially when it is left unvoiced. When are we going to admit we cannot read one another’s mind?

This problem belongs to both the speaker and the listener.

Listeners tend to jump to conclusions and make assumptions about what they are hearing. This is largely due to a failure to actively listen – a failure to listen to the feelings behind the words, to ask clarifying questions etc. Compounding this, they most often make these assumptions based on their own experiences, not the speaker’s. If the listener just got chewed out by the boss about a project, they might assume everyone is getting the same treatment. If the listener has a great family life, they may assume everyone can say that. By jumping to conclusions based on assumptions, by trying to mind read, they create a misunderstanding and open the door to potential conflicts now and in the future.

To avoid this type of problem, we want to remember to practice active listening and ask questions to clarify the message. This includes setting our own agenda aside while we listen, which is sometimes difficult. It also helps to ask ourselves if a judgment or opinion is called for and if not we can remain quiet. For example, there is no reason to try to reassure someone a meeting with the boss shouldn’t be too bad unless the speaker looks for reassurance. Not every statement calls for a response.

Speakers can help prevent potential problems by being clear, and by verifying their intention was heard. As usual, the ore important the subject, the more important it is the speaker clearly express his/her thoughts and desired response.

Some of us are more intuitive than others, or better at reading people than others; twins come to mind. It is a very rare person who can reliably and consistently read someone else’s mind. For the rest of us, we are best served by working on our communication and listening skills.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Action Makes a Difference

2012-01-13T16:46:59Z

How often do you say: “I was going to do …”, or “I had driven …”, or “I have been thinking …?

We all know the difference between active and passive voice: the active voice would say “I did”, or “I drove”, or “I think“. The passive voice softens the impact of the message with variations of had/has/have or forms of the verb “to be”. They both work, but the active voice is more powerful and generally preferred. And yet, we continue to use the passive voice – a lot! There are three main problems with the passive voice: it doesn’t have much energy, it can create a trace of confusion in the listener’s/reader’s mind until the remainder of the thought is completed, and it is wordy.

First, when we are trying to communicate a message, we want to sustain as much energy as possible to help ensure our audience stays with us and hears us. There is a different energy level between the two statements: “I drove to New York for the conference” and “I was driving to New York for the conference.” Say the two statements aloud and you can feel the difference. Higher energy helps us keep our audience engaged.

In addition to lowering the energy of the message, there is often a short period of confusion as to where you are headed. When we use the active voice, “I retired from ABC Company in 2005”, we are stating a fact. The relevance will quickly (hopefully) become apparent. When we use the passive voice, “I had retired from ABC Company in 2005 …”, the audience may be waiting for a “but” or some indication you went back to work. It may take the audience longer to catch up to your message instead of keeping them engaged throughout.

Finally, extra words require extra time. These days, people have a shorter attention span and less time for many conversations, and extra words can lose the audience. Get to the point.

There are times, of course, when we do want to use a passive voice. For example, it is softer and may help us break through resistance. It can also be an effective lead to a story: if we want to talk about something that happened while we were driving to New York, we might want to lead into the story by saying “I was driving to New York when …” Passive voice isn’t bad, it is simply over-used.

If you want to see how often you use active vs. passive voices, look at something you wrote. If half your verbs are passive, you might want to work at reducing the numbers. Look at how you might change the wording to be clearer and more active.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

“I want to tell you about …”

2011-11-20T21:58:28Z

Why do people start by telling us what they want: “I want to tell you about …” or “I’d like to share with you …”? I increasingly hear it in advertisements, presentations and conversations – anywhere there is an opportunity for communication. Typically I believe it is perceived as a soft attempt to draw the audience in and get them engaged. There is only one problem: it’s really not very effective.

When we start off by talking about what WE want, we run the risk of being perceived as egotistical, know-it-alls, arrogant or pedantic. We might be perceived as thinking out loud. We might be perceived, ironically, as disengaged when we think we are trying to engage our listeners. There are a number of ways we might be perceived, and they are not very flattering.

The fact is, when we are speaking, people don’t really care what we want – they want to know what’s in it for them. The more resistance we face, the more reluctance the listener shows, the more important it is we capture their attention – all these make it more important we address their wants up front and connect our ideas to their interests. If we start by what it is we want, without taking time to find out what the audience wants, we stand a good chance of losing them before we ever get to “meat” of our message. If they don’t tune out immediately, chances are they are not giving it their full attention. Give them a reason to listen. This is especially true of sales communications. It is especially true in our current environment where people have short attention spans and think in sound bites.

The real question, then, is: what does may audience want or need to hear? What can I say that will interest them so I can grab their attention? If possible, find out what they want first. If not, start with comments on the things that might be of interest to them. If there is something in our message that we feel it is critically important the listener hear, we can say something like: “Probably the most important thing to remember if you want to succeed at this is that you ….” Keep the focus on them and how it benefits them

Questions are often employed as a tool to get us engaged and thinking. We might ask if they have thought of what they would do if …, or if they had ever experienced …. Another technique is to bring in statistics that are big enough to garner attention: 64% of people …. There are a lot of techniques. What they have in common is that they all focus on what the audience might be interested in and start from a position of YOU.

Once the communication is established, it is then okay to introduce a limited amount of “I”. If there is something that we really need to know the listener hears, we can say something like: “It is really important that I know you hear me on this.” Just don’t lead off with this type of statement.

Communication happens when both sides, speaking and listening, are engaged. We are best served by focusing on how to engage them is we want to be successful communicators.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Spin

2011-10-14T20:03:40Z

Wanting to present ourselves in the best possible light is normal. We often go to great lengths to make ourselves look good by selectively editing information, or by manipulating or even omitting the context. We “spin” the truth to our advantage.

It happens so often that some forms have become almost trite. How often have you heard someone say: “I doubled sales last year” or “I finished third in the contest”? There isn’t enough information in these statements to make sense of the value. Saying we doubled sales may or may not be impressive: did we double them from one to two or from 5,000 to 10,000? Big difference! The same question applies to the contest: were we third of five or third of five hundred?

These statements are all true. The problem is they do not convey enough information for us to make sense of them. And yet, all too often we take these statements at face value without investigating the context. This can cause a lot of disruption, confusion and conflict. If we spin information too much, creating false perceptions, it destroys our integrity and puts everything we say or do into question. It calls our integrity into question and we risk having people lost their respect for or trust in us. There is so much spin in the political arena these days there are people whose job it is to look into the statements and provide the context so we can evaluate them. It’s no wonder we the people have such a hard time getting behind a candidate; we simply don’t believe them anymore.

What can we do to present ourselves in the best light? Perhaps the most important thing to remember is to manage impressions so they are accurate. When we risk image for honesty, the honesty will enhance our credibility and image. False impressions are bound to be discovered; they are then perceived as lies. Lying is always going to found out sooner or later, and we don’t like feeling lied to or manipulated. People have more respect for those who are honest and show some integrity.

There are, of course, other things we can do to present ourselves favorably. If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you already know most of the strategies: stay positive, treat others with respect, refrain from blaming, judging, name-calling and other destructive communications, and stay open to continuous learning.

If we want to be someone people want to work with and be with, we want to manage the impression we leave on others. It’s okay to present ourselves in the best possible light so long as we are not misleading people.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Listening

2011-10-03T20:11:06Z

To listen,
to hear another's voice,
to view another as worthy of hearing and
not as an object of our own need,
is to respect his or her dignity and
affirm our shared humanity

Calling It as You See It

2011-09-21T19:56:05Z

We all know someone who does it: they call it as they see it. They are so outspoken we never have to wonder what they are thinking; they put it out there.

There is nothing wrong with calling it as you see it. It is honest. Where people get into trouble is when they fail to take into account how others hear them. (I am of course talking of negative comments, as no one minds positive comments.)

Perhaps the most obvious “style” is the blunt person. They say what they are thinking with no regard for how others hear or perceive them. We see a lot of this in the political discourse these days, such as the sign I saw on a car that said, “That [candidate’s name] bumper sticker on your car might as well say ‘yes, I really am that stupid’.” While this is an extreme example, it is not all that exaggerated. Consider the person who says “Nobody in their right mind would ….”

Others are more subtle. They may sugar coat and/or pretend to be doing someone a favor: “Oh honey. That color just won’t do for you.” Or they may qualify a compliment: “That is a better effort than I expected.” Still others resort to sarcasm and may pretend to by joking: “It’s about time!” Others casually and even ignorantly throw out labels: “That is mean”. There are many different ways to express ourselves.

Any of these tactics can backfire. These people are often perceived as rude and insensitive – not fun to be around. If the issue is at all sensitive, they are also likely to be considered judgmental, egotistical and close minded. Our responses vary: if the comment is perceived to be overtly hurtful, we tend to avoid them when possible; we may simply try to avoid the person; and we may just shrug it off. Rarely do we find comments we consider to be mean-spirited to be amusing or entertaining (unless we too engage in mean-spirited thinking).

We can express ourselves honestly and at the same time maintain respect. We do this by making sure we state our comments as opinions, by refraining from sarcasm and labels, and by softening our tone. It is okay to say: “I don’t agree”, “I think a different color would bring out [your eyes] better”, “That was a great effort”, or “I’ve been looking forward to this”. It is even okay to say something when someone says something that strikes you as mean-spirited, such as: “What am I missing – that seems a little mean-spirited or mean to me?” or "I am uncomfortable with that because it seems mean-spirited to me." These statements keep the possibility of dialogue open and still convey honest feelings and thoughts.

As always, it is a question of how we want to be perceived and what kind of impression we want to leave on others. That impression may well follow us for a long time, so it behooves us to make sure we create a positive one.

Remember … it’s all in how you say it!

Whining and Griping

2011-09-16T21:49:49Z

We’ve all run into them: the whiners and gripers. The person who says: “They just rebuilt that and it hasn’t worked for two weeks. What’s wrong with them, anyhow?” Or: “I hate doing this. I wish someone else would do it.”

Whining and griping are extremely ineffective forms of complaining. We label those who engage in this type of behaviors as chronic complainers and malcontents. At work, it can have a serious effect on our careers. And yet it is prevalent.

Why is it so bad? The two top reasons:
it is negative behavior and people feel better when they focus on the positive. this is as true of the whiner as it is of their audience. if we spend time in the presence of whiners, we feel worse.

It accomplishes nothing. Whining and griping may allow us to let off steam (and that is often questionable), but nothing about the situation changes. Typically, whiners address those who they hope are allies instead of the people who can actually effect change. It drains our energy.

It is negative behavior and people feel better when they focus on the positive. This is as true of the whiner as it is of their audience. If we spend time in the presence of whiners, we feel worse.

If we find ourselves around whiners, we want to protect ourselves. We can ask them what they plan to do to remedy the situation: “What are you going to do about it?” This takes the energy out of the negative and helps the person focus on what might be possible. Chances are if the person is really a whiner they will think twice before dumping on you again. If this doesn’t stop the behavior, we can directly but politely ask them not to dump this negative energy on us: “Would you do me a favor and keep your complaints to yourself? I have enough to handle right now and I find this doesn’t help.” And if all else fails, we can avoid them whenever possible

it is negative behavior and people feel better when they focus on the positive. this is as true of the whiner as it is of their audience. if we spend time in the presence of whiners, we feel worse.

If we feel like whining and griping, we want to stop and redirect our energies:

Ask if it is a legitimate concern or just an annoyance. If it is an annoyance, it may not be worth pursuing – let it go and move on.

Ask what might be done to remedy the situation. If there is no remedy, it is a waste of time to keep fretting about it – again, let it go and move on. If there is a potential remedy, figure out how to make it work.

Deliver the concerns to the right person(s). Take the concerns, and the potential remedies, to those who might be able to act on them. It is important to have a suggested remedy when we bring up these topics so we don’t waste people’s time and energy. It is a question of being constructive: sell your ideas for improving the situation.

It is in our best interests to keep a positive, constructive and realistic outlook. This will help us stay energized and productive. We cannot afford to allow the whiners and gripers to steal our energy and dilute our performance.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

Do Our Words Really Matter?

2011-09-16T21:46:20Z

A businessman recently asked: “Does it really matter how we say things? After all this is an office and we are about getting things done quickly.”

Clearly I am going to say yes it matters. Here are some of the reasons:

Customers who perceive interactions as stressful, rude or otherwise unpleasant are not anxious to repeat the experience. This can cost us repeat business and referrals. If we don’t care about them, they will not care about us.

People who feel they are treated rudely do not feel valued and do not enjoy the interaction. If this continues, they are more likely to think of the rude person as a jerk and cooperate begrudgingly or half-heartedly. If possible, they may well end the relationship.

People feel pushed away and devalued when they perceive they are not being treated with respect. The relationship suffers, stress increases and conflict is more likely. This is especially true of close relationships, such as family and friends.

Words can cause significant harm. The old saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”, is a lie. Words hurt, and the pain and harm caused can last a long time – even a lifetime. It can change who a person is.

A workplace (or any other place) can be considered unpleasant or even toxic if we insist on communicating in a manner that is perceived as rude.

Humans are social animals and we live in society. We have a choice: we can choose to live together pleasantly and agreeably, or we can choose to live with constant friction and displeasure. Both choices impact how we feel about ourselves, our lives and the world. Given the choice, why choose friction and conflict, allowing interactions to sap our energy and enjoyment? Why not choose to keep things pleasant and allow the interactions to build us up?

Speaking tactfully and sensitively does not take any more time than speaking roughly. It does require we look beyond ourselves and acknowledge the fact we are all interrelated and need one another. When we cause a problem with someone, we hurt them and ourselves. We may not know how, but we do hurt ourselves.

We must always remember that the higher the stakes in an interaction, the more important it is to choose our words carefully. I recently attended a networking function at which I met Pat. Pat professed to be a communications expert. In the course of the conversation, Pat made a statement that I perceived as highly judgmental and arrogant; it ended the conversation. Based solely on this one experience, I am not inclined to refer Pat to others; Pat lost potential opportunities.
Some cultures habitually engage in arguing or other forms of contentious conversation; if all parties agree to that style that is their choice. We all say dumb things from time to time; unintentional oversights are to be forgiven and put aside. It is the continual use of careless and thoughtless language that causes the problems.

Choose to engage with others in a respectful manner. You will be glad you did.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

Negativity

2011-09-16T21:44:39Z

“It’s a beautiful day!” “No, it’s too hot/cold.”

“I don’t know why they even bother with raises this year. It’s such a joke; we can’t do anything with this paltry amount anyhow – we’ll probably just have to pay it all back in taxes.”

We have all heard negative comments like these. They take the energy out of a conversation in less time than it takes to say, “Gesundheit”.

Some people seem to exude negativity. Regardless of the topic, they can find something wrong with it. I even heard someone complain that her casino winnings were a joke – it was only a couple hundred dollars, not enough to do anything with. (I can think of many good uses for that money!) Being around someone who is always negative saps our energy. We don’t feel good when we are near them. It is not fun or even mildly pleasant. It certainly is not motivating.

Others always seem to be “up”. They see the good in everything, and create it when it seems to be missing. Clearly those who stay positive, who are “up” on life, are more fun to be around and make us feel better. They make us feel better about life. They motivate us. We also get more done.

Many of us find we occasionally slip into negativity. We may be generally happy and positive, but sometimes life gets us down a bit. This is not unusual. It is a problem if we find ourselves going negative too often.

We have a choice: we can wallow in the negative, give up our energy and drive others away, or we can celebrate the good in life and maintain our energy, attract others. We make this decision constantly with the stories we tell ourselves – and others. Clearly, we enjoy life more when we appreciate the good that we can find all around us.

How can we focus on the positive and be the kind of person others want to be with?

We can look for the good in every situation. Seldom is a situation so bad there is nothing to celebrate.

If it is something we cannot control, we can simply accept it and move on. For example, we cannot control the weather; if it is too hot/cold, so what? Focus on what is in our control and move on.

If we find ourselves surrounded by negative people, we can distance ourselves so we don’t have to hear it all the time. We don’t have to let others usurp our energy. Instead, we can surround ourselves with positive people.

Watch labels. Instead of saying “this is bad”, say it would “work better for you if …”

If you frequently make negative comments, ask yourself why? What are you gaining from it? How is it serving you? Try to make at least five positive statements each day until it becomes a habit and easy. Then increase the number incrementally until you find you have left the negativity behind. Pay attention to how you feel and how others react to you.

How we talk about what is happening makes a huge difference in the quality of our lives and those around us. We can make the decision to enjoy life or be miserable. Choose to be positive.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

It's More than Words

2011-09-16T21:42:56Z

You have probably seen it: someone expresses excitement at something, but his or her voice and face are flat and you were left feeling anything but excitement. And many of us remember some newscasters who were perceived as inappropriately perky when relaying devastating news.

Our words are just a part of our communications. The studies most quoted concluded that words are only 7% of the message. That’s right – just 7%! The other 93% is our facial expression, our gestures and our voice. What the person listening to us sees and feels counts for over thirteen times what he/she hears. And of course the listener decides what he/she sees and feels, not the speaker. This enormous difference helps to explain a lot of miscommunications.

When we have a message to communicate, we have to consider all aspects of our message if we want to make an impact. Words alone are not enough. If we want people to be excited about what we are saying, we need to convey that with our voice, face and gestures. Our voice might rise and get a little louder. Our face might show wonderment. Our gestures might be more expansive. Likewise, when we want to convey something sadder or more difficult, we do the opposite: our voice lowers, our face sags a little and our gestures are smaller.

To pull this off means we need to be honest about what we are saying and how we feel about it. If we pretend excitement but don’t really feel it, our audience will know. In such a case, we are better off revising our words to more closely match what we consider the truth so the entire message aligns.

If oral communications suffer from these discrepancies, clearly written communications are much more challenging. The lack of visual and aural cues leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation. For example, we can’t hear the excitement or see the expansiveness. This problem is even more evident today with the masses of emails and text messages.

When writing, we need to consider our words extra carefully. We want to look at them, decide how someone who doesn’t know our intent may interpret them, and then edit to increase clarity and the likelihood our thoughts are appropriately conveyed. If the subject is likely to evoke an emotional response, we might even want to reconsider and speak to the person instead of relying on the written word.

Communications involves much more than the words we use. If we are to be effective, we really have to be aware of the entire message and align all aspects. Anything less opens the door to confusion and missed opportunities.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

Staying on Issue

2011-09-16T21:41:13Z

You are working on a recycling project and all of sudden someone starts talking about wind energy and other aspects of climate change. Climate change might be germane to the larger picture of your project, but not to the specific project.

Or perhaps you ask how the next phase of your project is shaping up and hear about how much they liked the last phase. The answer doesn’t address the question.

You have undoubtedly had interactions with people who don’t seem to be able to stay on issue. It can be frustrating, amusing at times, infuriating. They can be time wasters (especially in the workplace) and they can be time fillers. There are many potential reactions to these communication detours.

Sometimes we veer off target because we have great energy and passion for what they are doing. Other times it is the result of inattention, a lack of clarity, distraction with something else, a need to show our comprehensive knowledge, tiredness – there are a number of reasons.

We communicate for a purpose. The problem with going off issue is we lose our audience. They become bored, frustrated and disengaged. We may lose their respect and backing. If someone asked a question and we talk about something else, the person is left wondering what just happened and may be less likely to ask again. If we throw out comments on other issues unrelated to the task at hand, our audience may well become confused about what exactly they are doing and less productive in accomplishing the task at hand.

If the current effort is part of a larger initiative, we are well advised to educate the audience as to where they fit into the larger picture. This is ideally done early on so they have a greater sense of appreciation for what they are doing from the beginning. Whenever it is done, the focus is on educating them.

Similarly, when we speak to motivate people to complete an effort, we focus on that effort and the benefits of completing it. This is not the time for digressions or irrelevancies that waste time and distract people from the main issue.

As always, we want to remember the purpose of our conversation, and focus on what adds to understanding and leave the other comments for a more appropriate time.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

Speaking Their Language

2011-09-16T21:39:20Z

It is no secret we all take in and process information using our senses. Some of us rely heavily on visual images, some listen attentively to every word and some of us relate it to something we already know and feel the connection. We don’t consciously “pick” the method that works best for us; it is already part of our makeup. One method is no better than the next.

Since this all happens subconsciously and we generally are not even aware of what we are doing, we often don’t stop to think about how those with whom we are conversing might be hearing us. Are they creating visual images or are they sensing it? Why do we even care?

The more important our message, the more important it is for us to be extremely clear in our intent and meaning. One way to do this is to use language that will help them create that picture, capture the sound or relate to something they already know. There are some simple tricks for achieving this. It helps if we know how they are listening, but it is not essential. In groups, we can pretty safely assume there will be all types of listeners. You might end up using a few more words than you might otherwise, but you enhance your message and improve the odds you will be correctly heard.

To best communicate with someone who creates visual images from our words, we can help them create the most accurate image by creating the image for them. We can draw the picture with our words. For example, instead of saying it was a hot and humid day, we can say it was so hot you could see the heat rising from the pavement and the moisture in the air seemed to coat everything.

For the person who listens carefully to the wording, we might be okay saying it was hot and humid. Stressing the words and varying your intonation can help underscore them. This seems easy and we might be tempted to do this more often; unfortunately, a small minority of people will hear us this way.

When talking to those who relate what we are saying to something they already know, we are best served by helping them make the connection. The best way to do this is through the use of metaphors: it was so hot it felt like we were walking on a hot griddle and the perspiration was pouring down our backs. We want them to feel it.

For those times when we don’t know how the person is listening, we can use a combination of all three: It was so hot you could see the heat rising from the pavement and it felt like we were walking on a hot griddle. The moisture in the air clung to everything and rolled down our backs. The use of intonation and stress in appropriate places make the message powerful.

Any time it is important to us that those with whom we are speaking really get our message clearly, it behooves us to take a moment and speak to their listening. Yes, it takes a little effort on our part, and might take a few extra seconds and sentences, but the end result is well worth it. Plus, it makes the conversation more enjoyable if they don’t have to struggle to figure out what it is we are saying.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

The Truth

2011-09-16T21:37:27Z

We live in an age when the truth is subjected to spin, innuendo and outright distortion. This takes the form of omitting crucial information, inferring untruths and engaging in deliberate lies. We see it in all aspects of our lives, including politics, advertising, work and informal situations. Unfortunately, it does nothing to help us to communicate effectively.

Consider spin. We all want to look our best, so we talk about good points and omit the negative or anything that can help a person develop a more balanced understanding, weakening our influence. A company offers free pick up service; this sounds wonderful until we realize they neglected to tell us there is a discount for bringing in the item ourselves. Politicians are well known for making their position sound “right” and the only logical way to go; they purposely neglect to talk about the potential downside, or who will be hurt by their plan. Examples abound everywhere we look. Spin gives us a partial understanding of the issue or situation.

Innuendo is equally distorting. An advertisement urges us to act now before prices go up and we (rightly or wrongly) assume the prices will go up soon. Innuendo causes us to consider some, usually less than ideal, alternative that puts the rest of the statement in a more positive light. It encourages us to think the worst so we will more readily accept the speaker’s position.

Outright distortion is simply another way of talking about untruths, or boldfaced lies. Again, our current political environment is rife with examples. Distortions and lies cause confusion, dissension and fierce partisanship. On the more positive side, there are now a number of places we can look to sort out the details of these statements and learn the real truth.

None of these practices help us communicate effectively. In fact, many (if not most) applications are purely manipulative. So, why do we do it? Most simply: because it works – in the short term. Far too often we accept what we hear as the truth without looking deeper to learn the real truth.

When we speak, we want to establish trust and understanding. When we resort to spin, innuendo and lies, we destroy that trust and potential for understanding. Therefore it is incumbent on us to make sure we convey the truth. If there is a potential downside to our position, we can always talk about it and explain why we think it is still worth endorsing our view; if we can’t explain it, we are better served engaging in a discussion of pros and cons with the intent of learning more ourselves.

We have the choice to manipulate or tell the truth. Manipulation might lead to temporary victory, but none of us likes to feel manipulated and eventually we lose respect for and trust in the person who we feel is using us to their own advantage. It is the truth that always wins out in the end. As Sydney Smith, , said: “Truth is its [justice’s] handmaid, freedom is its child, peace is its companion, safety walks in its steps, victory follows in its train ….” We cannot go wrong telling the truth.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

Setting Expectations

2011-09-16T21:35:55Z

“I’ll call you for lunch.”

“I’ll have that for you right away.”

“We’ll give you a discount at [store x].”

We have all heard comments like this, only to find later that we didn’t properly understand what was meant. A general comment about getting together for lunch often results in no action. Doing something “right away” means when the person has a chance, not necessarily in what we consider a timely manner. And the discount only applies if you purchase a gift card at the other store first, a point buried in the fine print at the bottom. When we communicate, we intend to provide our listener with information.

When we hear comments we set an expectation that something will happen and plan accordingly. When things fail to happen as expected we may be disappointed, resentful, sad, and/or otherwise impacted. Seldom does this kind of situation lead to a positive interaction; it is almost always negative. When interactions are negative, they have a negative impact on the relationship.

There are several factors that lead to misunderstandings:

We use vague words, such as “right away”, “soon”, “often” etc. These words mean different things to different people and are red flags indicating an impending misunderstanding. It is best to avoid such terms unless they are immediately followed by a clarification as to intent: “Can you have it for me by noon on Friday?”

We are often so focused on what we are doing we forget to consider how the other might be hearing us. We already know what we mean – it is the listener we have to educate so we want to think in terms of what it is they might be hearing. If we have the luxury of putting our words into writing we have a great opportunity to look at how our words might be interpreted.

Our society has a short attention span; we generally have very little time to clearly convey our message. How often do we hear someone say “I didn’t mean that” in the rush to move on to the next thing. Failure to consider the impact of our words wastes time and costs us; it takes more time to do something twice than to do it right once.

If we want to communicate clearly, we must take responsibility for the words we choose. This requires we focus on both the content of the message and the audience. Failure to manage expectations is one of the largest causes of conflict and misunderstandings. As always, the more important the message, the more important we speak clearly.

The listener should be an active participant in the conversation also. If the speaker is passive, vague or otherwise unclear, the listener can easily step in and help clarify the message: “When can I expect your call?”

By aligning expectations between speaker and listener, we minimize the chances of miscommunications and flawed expectations. We save time, aggravation and more. It is a classic win-win strategy.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

Leveling the Playing Field

2011-09-16T21:34:20Z

If you attend events where different people are asked to give a few words, you unquestionably hear it: “Thank you Mr. Smith and Sue.” It happens quite often. It is one of the more subtle ways we, intentionally or not, sometimes distinguish between the value of two people.

There are of course times it is perfectly appropriate to address people differently. For example, if you are having a team meeting you would call team members by their first names. If the CEO, Managing Partner or other executive stopped in, you would likely call him/her by title and last name unless given permission to do otherwise.

Other times, treating people differently can be less appropriate. This is especially true as the makeup of the audience expands. The issue is one of treating some in a group with a familiar language (i.e. use of first name only) and others more formally (i.e. with title and last name only). If we think about this, we might interpret this in one of (at least) two ways:

We might hear Sue as one of the “in crowd” and Mr. Smith as an outsider, as in the first example above. If that were true, we would naturally be accustomed to calling Sue by her first name, and would treat Mr. Smith more formally. Drawing attention to the difference can cause the audience draw a value-inference that may be inappropriate, giving more weight to one than the other. Perhaps Mr. Smith will be seen as someone who doesn’t really understand our situation, or Sue will be perceived as someone about whom we already have opinions. If we are careless with our tonality this can be exaggerated.
We might hear Sue being treated in an overly familiar manner and thus given less respect. This is especially true when we are talking about people of different genders, races or other classifications. Treating one with less respect devalues their contribution and can sound both condescending and sexist/racist/some other “-ist”.

At a formal event, if we are introducing and thanking speakers, we want to pay attention to these distinctions. All speakers deserve to be given equal consideration; else they would not be participating. If we cause some in the audience to draw inferences regarding potential value, we risk losing part of the audience. This is a disservice to the speaker and to the event.

In less formal situations it can also be important, such as a department meeting where people are being recognized. Introductions are another place to be cognizant of our language, while adhering to the other rules of etiquette such as introducing the older or more important person first.

As always we want to consider what our purpose is and how we can best accomplish it; if we want people to listen, we want to make sure they are properly cued. And always we want to be respectful.

At a formal and events with diverse audiences, I recommend using the title and last name for all speakers. In less formal settings, we can use first names if all have agreed to that. If a person has a title, such as Doctor or Reverend, it is sometimes included in both the formal and informal situations (ex: Dr. Bob), again based on treating all the same and according to their preferences.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

More Excuses

2011-09-16T21:32:42Z

Last month I talked about how we want to avoid making excuses for others’ bad behavior, often done in an effort to make someone feel better about a situation. I heard from people in various 12 step programs reminding me they are encouraged to look at what happened from the other person’s point of view and imagine what might have led to the behavior. Sounds a lot like making excuses, doesn’t it?

My response to these concerns is, yes and …. Looking at what someone might have been thinking is a powerful tool, one that I both use and recommend. Let’s look at a distinction I failed to articulate clearly last month.

When someone is emotional about something that happened, anything that may be perceived – by the person who is emotional – as negating the validity of what they are feeling is not helpful. Making someone wrong will cause them to become more emotional, tune you out, and/or repress their feelings and fail to deal with them. It is not in that person’s best interests. Feeling bad was the person’s natural response and is not something to be debated, belittled or otherwise discounted; the person is best served by processing their feelings, looking at why they feel that way and coming to completion with the feeling. Unresolved feelings have a habit of coming back to haunt us later, often at the worst possible time. Trying to explain possible motives for the bad behavior in an attempt to ease feelings, often done with the best of intentions, interrupts the processing and results in an incomplete resolution of the issue. At this point they might stop listening to you, trusting you or sharing with you, damaging your relationship.

When a person has processed their emotions and is settling into dealing with the aftereffects of what happened, then it can be very helpful for that person to look at why it might have happened and develop a constructive way to deal with it. This is the time when the person is less likely to take excuses personally. This is the time it can be helpful to understand there may be many reasons. This is the time to plan how to address the “offending” party and resolve the issue.

When we communicate, we want to make sure others hear us. They cannot hear us if we are causing them anxiety or pain, making things worse. They will not hear us if they find our words objectionable. It is incumbent on us to make sure we communicate in a manner that makes it safe for those to whom we are speaking to hear our message. Anything else isn’t communication; it is a monologue or noise.

In short, it is still not helpful to make excuses for others bad behavior – until the offended party has successfully processed their feelings about what happened, is ready to move forward and asks for ideas. It behooves us to wait for them to indicate they are ready instead of jumping in and trying to fix things.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!