We’ve all run into them: the whiners and gripers. The person who says: “They just rebuilt that and it hasn’t worked for two weeks. What’s wrong with them, anyhow?” Or: “I hate doing this. I wish someone else would do it.”

Whining and griping are extremely ineffective forms of complaining. We label those who engage in this type of behaviors as chronic complainers and malcontents. At work, it can have a serious effect on our careers. And yet it is prevalent.

Why is it so bad? The two top reasons:
it is negative behavior and people feel better when they focus on the positive. this is as true of the whiner as it is of their audience. if we spend time in the presence of whiners, we feel worse.

A businessman recently asked: “Does it really matter how we say things? After all this is an office and we are about getting things done quickly.”

Clearly I am going to say yes it matters. Here are some of the reasons:

1. Customers who perceive interactions as stressful, rude or otherwise unpleasant are not anxious to repeat the experience. This can cost us repeat business and referrals. If we don’t care about them, they will not care about us.
2. People who feel they are treated rudely do not feel valued and do not enjoy the interaction. If this continues, they are more likely to think of the rude person as a jerk and cooperate begrudgingly or half-heartedly. If possible, they may well end the relationship.
3. People feel pushed away and devalued when they perceive they are not being treated with respect. The relationship suffers, stress increases and conflict is more likely. This is especially true of close relationships, such as family and friends.
4. Words can cause significant harm. The old saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”, is a lie. Words hurt, and the pain and harm caused can last a long time – even a lifetime. It can change who a person is.
5. A workplace (or any other place) can be considered unpleasant or even toxic if we insist on communicating in a manner that is perceived as rude.

“It’s a beautiful day!” “No, it’s too hot/cold.”

“I don’t know why they even bother with raises this year. It’s such a joke; we can’t do anything with this paltry amount anyhow – we’ll probably just have to pay it all back in taxes.”

We have all heard negative comments like these. They take the energy out of a conversation in less time than it takes to say, “Gesundheit”.

Some people seem to exude negativity. Regardless of the topic, they can find something wrong with it. I even heard someone complain that her casino winnings were a joke – it was only a couple hundred dollars, not enough to do anything with. (I can think of many good uses for that money!) Being around someone who is always negative saps our energy. We don’t feel good when we are near them. It is not fun or even mildly pleasant. It certainly is not motivating.

Others always seem to be “up”. They see the good in everything, and create it when it seems to be missing. Clearly those who stay positive, who are “up” on life, are more fun to be around and make us feel better. They make us feel better about life. They motivate us. We also get more done.

Many of us find we occasionally slip into negativity. We may be generally happy and positive, but sometimes life gets us down a bit. This is not unusual. It is a problem if we find ourselves going negative too often.

We have a choice: we can wallow in the negative, give up our energy and drive others away, or we can celebrate the good in life and maintain our energy, attract others. We make this decision constantly with the stories we tell ourselves – and others. Clearly, we enjoy life more when we appreciate the good that we can find all around us.

How can we focus on the positive and be the kind of person others want to be with?

1. We can look for the good in every situation. Seldom is a situation so bad there is nothing to celebrate.
2. If it is something we cannot control, we can simply accept it and move on. For example, we cannot control the weather; if it is too hot/cold, so what? Focus on what is in our control and move on.
3. If we find ourselves surrounded by negative people, we can distance ourselves so we don’t have to hear it all the time. We don’t have to let others usurp our energy. Instead, we can surround ourselves with positive people.
4. Watch labels. Instead of saying “this is bad”, say it would “work better for you if …”

You have probably seen it: someone expresses excitement at something, but his or her voice and face are flat and you were left feeling anything but excitement. And many of us remember some newscasters who were perceived as inappropriately perky when relaying devastating news.

Our words are just a part of our communications. The studies most quoted concluded that words are only 7% of the message. That’s right – just 7%! The other 93% is our facial expression, our gestures and our voice. What the person listening to us sees and feels counts for over thirteen times what he/she hears. And of course the listener decides what he/she sees and feels, not the speaker. This enormous difference helps to explain a lot of miscommunications.

When we have a message to communicate, we have to consider all aspects of our message if we want to make an impact. Words alone are not enough. If we want people to be excited about what we are saying, we need to convey that with our voice, face and gestures. Our voice might rise and get a little louder. Our face might show wonderment. Our gestures might be more expansive. Likewise, when we want to convey something sadder or more difficult, we do the opposite: our voice lowers, our face sags a little and our gestures are smaller.

To pull this off means we need to be honest about what we are saying and how we feel about it. If we pretend excitement but don’t really feel it, our audience will know. In such a case, we are better off revising our words to more closely match what we consider the truth so the entire message aligns.

If oral communications suffer from these discrepancies, clearly written communications are much more challenging. The lack of visual and aural cues leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation. For example, we can’t hear the excitement or see the expansiveness. This problem is even more evident today with the masses of emails and text messages.

When writing, we need to consider our words extra carefully. We want to look at them, decide how someone who doesn’t know our intent may interpret them, and then edit to increase clarity and the likelihood our thoughts are appropriately conveyed. If the subject is likely to evoke an emotional response, we might even want to reconsider and speak to the person instead of relying on the written word.

Communications involves much more than the words we use. If we are to be effective, we really have to be aware of the entire message and align all aspects. Anything less opens the door to confusion and missed opportunities.

You are working on a recycling project and all of sudden someone starts talking about wind energy and other aspects of climate change. Climate change might be germane to the larger picture of your project, but not to the specific project.

Or perhaps you ask how the next phase of your project is shaping up and hear about how much they liked the last phase. The answer doesn’t address the question.

You have undoubtedly had interactions with people who don’t seem to be able to stay on issue. It can be frustrating, amusing at times, infuriating. They can be time wasters (especially in the workplace) and they can be time fillers. There are many potential reactions to these communication detours.

Sometimes we veer off target because we have great energy and passion for what they are doing. Other times it is the result of inattention, a lack of clarity, distraction with something else, a need to show our comprehensive knowledge, tiredness – there are a number of reasons.

We communicate for a purpose. The problem with going off issue is we lose our audience. They become bored, frustrated and disengaged. We may lose their respect and backing. If someone asked a question and we talk about something else, the person is left wondering what just happened and may be less likely to ask again. If we throw out comments on other issues unrelated to the task at hand, our audience may well become confused about what exactly they are doing and less productive in accomplishing the task at hand.

If the current effort is part of a larger initiative, we are well advised to educate the audience as to where they fit into the larger picture. This is ideally done early on so they have a greater sense of appreciation for what they are doing from the beginning. Whenever it is done, the focus is on educating them.

Similarly, when we speak to motivate people to complete an effort, we focus on that effort and the benefits of completing it. This is not the time for digressions or irrelevancies that waste time and distract people from the main issue.

As always, we want to remember the purpose of our conversation, and focus on what adds to understanding and leave the other comments for a more appropriate time.

It is no secret we all take in and process information using our senses. Some of us rely heavily on visual images, some listen attentively to every word and some of us relate it to something we already know and feel the connection. We don’t consciously “pick” the method that works best for us; it is already part of our makeup. One method is no better than the next.

Since this all happens subconsciously and we generally are not even aware of what we are doing, we often don’t stop to think about how those with whom we are conversing might be hearing us. Are they creating visual images or are they sensing it? Why do we even care?

The more important our message, the more important it is for us to be extremely clear in our intent and meaning. One way to do this is to use language that will help them create that picture, capture the sound or relate to something they already know. There are some simple tricks for achieving this. It helps if we know how they are listening, but it is not essential. In groups, we can pretty safely assume there will be all types of listeners. You might end up using a few more words than you might otherwise, but you enhance your message and improve the odds you will be correctly heard.

To best communicate with someone who creates visual images from our words, we can help them create the most accurate image by creating the image for them. We can draw the picture with our words. For example, instead of saying it was a hot and humid day, we can say it was so hot you could see the heat rising from the pavement and the moisture in the air seemed to coat everything.

For the person who listens carefully to the wording, we might be okay saying it was hot and humid. Stressing the words and varying your intonation can help underscore them. This seems easy and we might be tempted to do this more often; unfortunately, a small minority of people will hear us this way.

When talking to those who relate what we are saying to something they already know, we are best served by helping them make the connection. The best way to do this is through the use of metaphors: it was so hot it felt like we were walking on a hot griddle and the perspiration was pouring down our backs. We want them to feel it.

For those times when we don’t know how the person is listening, we can use a combination of all three: It was so hot you could see the heat rising from the pavement and it felt like we were walking on a hot griddle. The moisture in the air clung to everything and rolled down our backs. The use of intonation and stress in appropriate places make the message powerful.

Any time it is important to us that those with whom we are speaking really get our message clearly, it behooves us to take a moment and speak to their listening. Yes, it takes a little effort on our part, and might take a few extra seconds and sentences, but the end result is well worth it. Plus, it makes the conversation more enjoyable if they don’t have to struggle to figure out what it is we are saying.

We live in an age when the truth is subjected to spin, innuendo and outright distortion. This takes the form of omitting crucial information, inferring untruths and engaging in deliberate lies. We see it in all aspects of our lives, including politics, advertising, work and informal situations. Unfortunately, it does nothing to help us to communicate effectively.

Consider spin. We all want to look our best, so we talk about good points and omit the negative or anything that can help a person develop a more balanced understanding, weakening our influence. A company offers free pick up service; this sounds wonderful until we realize they neglected to tell us there is a discount for bringing in the item ourselves. Politicians are well known for making their position sound “right” and the only logical way to go; they purposely neglect to talk about the potential downside, or who will be hurt by their plan. Examples abound everywhere we look. Spin gives us a partial understanding of the issue or situation.

Innuendo is equally distorting. An advertisement urges us to act now before prices go up and we (rightly or wrongly) assume the prices will go up soon. Innuendo causes us to consider some, usually less than ideal, alternative that puts the rest of the statement in a more positive light. It encourages us to think the worst so we will more readily accept the speaker’s position.

Outright distortion is simply another way of talking about untruths, or boldfaced lies. Again, our current political environment is rife with examples. Distortions and lies cause confusion, dissension and fierce partisanship. On the more positive side, there are now a number of places we can look to sort out the details of these statements and learn the real truth.

None of these practices help us communicate effectively. In fact, many (if not most) applications are purely manipulative. So, why do we do it? Most simply: because it works – in the short term. Far too often we accept what we hear as the truth without looking deeper to learn the real truth.

When we speak, we want to establish trust and understanding. When we resort to spin, innuendo and lies, we destroy that trust and potential for understanding. Therefore it is incumbent on us to make sure we convey the truth. If there is a potential downside to our position, we can always talk about it and explain why we think it is still worth endorsing our view; if we can’t explain it, we are better served engaging in a discussion of pros and cons with the intent of learning more ourselves.

We have the choice to manipulate or tell the truth. Manipulation might lead to temporary victory, but none of us likes to feel manipulated and eventually we lose respect for and trust in the person who we feel is using us to their own advantage. It is the truth that always wins out in the end. As Sydney Smith, , said: “Truth is its [justice’s] handmaid, freedom is its child, peace is its companion, safety walks in its steps, victory follows in its train ….” We cannot go wrong telling the truth.

“I’ll call you for lunch.”

“I’ll have that for you right away.”

“We’ll give you a discount at [store x].”

We have all heard comments like this, only to find later that we didn’t properly understand what was meant. A general comment about getting together for lunch often results in no action. Doing something “right away” means when the person has a chance, not necessarily in what we consider a timely manner. And the discount only applies if you purchase a gift card at the other store first, a point buried in the fine print at the bottom. When we communicate, we intend to provide our listener with information.

When we hear comments we set an expectation that something will happen and plan accordingly. When things fail to happen as expected we may be disappointed, resentful, sad, and/or otherwise impacted. Seldom does this kind of situation lead to a positive interaction; it is almost always negative. When interactions are negative, they have a negative impact on the relationship.

There are several factors that lead to misunderstandings:

1. We use vague words, such as “right away”, “soon”, “often” etc. These words mean different things to different people and are red flags indicating an impending misunderstanding. It is best to avoid such terms unless they are immediately followed by a clarification as to intent: “Can you have it for me by noon on Friday?”
2. We are often so focused on what we are doing we forget to consider how the other might be hearing us. We already know what we mean – it is the listener we have to educate so we want to think in terms of what it is they might be hearing. If we have the luxury of putting our words into writing we have a great opportunity to look at how our words might be interpreted.
3. Our society has a short attention span; we generally have very little time to clearly convey our message. How often do we hear someone say “I didn’t mean that” in the rush to move on to the next thing. Failure to consider the impact of our words wastes time and costs us; it takes more time to do something twice than to do it right once.

If you attend events where different people are asked to give a few words, you unquestionably hear it: “Thank you Mr. Smith and Sue.” It happens quite often. It is one of the more subtle ways we, intentionally or not, sometimes distinguish between the value of two people.

There are of course times it is perfectly appropriate to address people differently. For example, if you are having a team meeting you would call team members by their first names. If the CEO, Managing Partner or other executive stopped in, you would likely call him/her by title and last name unless given permission to do otherwise.

Other times, treating people differently can be less appropriate. This is especially true as the makeup of the audience expands. The issue is one of treating some in a group with a familiar language (i.e. use of first name only) and others more formally (i.e. with title and last name only). If we think about this, we might interpret this in one of (at least) two ways:

1. We might hear Sue as one of the “in crowd” and Mr. Smith as an outsider, as in the first example above. If that were true, we would naturally be accustomed to calling Sue by her first name, and would treat Mr. Smith more formally. Drawing attention to the difference can cause the audience draw a value-inference that may be inappropriate, giving more weight to one than the other. Perhaps Mr. Smith will be seen as someone who doesn’t really understand our situation, or Sue will be perceived as someone about whom we already have opinions. If we are careless with our tonality this can be exaggerated.
2. We might hear Sue being treated in an overly familiar manner and thus given less respect. This is especially true when we are talking about people of different genders, races or other classifications. Treating one with less respect devalues their contribution and can sound both condescending and sexist/racist/some other “-ist”.

At a formal event, if we are introducing and thanking speakers, we want to pay attention to these distinctions. All speakers deserve to be given equal consideration; else they would not be participating. If we cause some in the audience to draw inferences regarding potential value, we risk losing part of the audience. This is a disservice to the speaker and to the event.

In less formal situations it can also be important, such as a department meeting where people are being recognized. Introductions are another place to be cognizant of our language, while adhering to the other rules of etiquette such as introducing the older or more important person first.

As always we want to consider what our purpose is and how we can best accomplish it; if we want people to listen, we want to make sure they are properly cued. And always we want to be respectful.

At a formal and events with diverse audiences, I recommend using the title and last name for all speakers. In less formal settings, we can use first names if all have agreed to that. If a person has a title, such as Doctor or Reverend, it is sometimes included in both the formal and informal situations (ex: Dr. Bob), again based on treating all the same and according to their preferences.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!

Last month I talked about how we want to avoid making excuses for others’ bad behavior, often done in an effort to make someone feel better about a situation. I heard from people in various 12 step programs reminding me they are encouraged to look at what happened from the other person’s point of view and imagine what might have led to the behavior. Sounds a lot like making excuses, doesn’t it?

My response to these concerns is, yes and …. Looking at what someone might have been thinking is a powerful tool, one that I both use and recommend. Let’s look at a distinction I failed to articulate clearly last month.

When someone is emotional about something that happened, anything that may be perceived – by the person who is emotional – as negating the validity of what they are feeling is not helpful. Making someone wrong will cause them to become more emotional, tune you out, and/or repress their feelings and fail to deal with them. It is not in that person’s best interests. Feeling bad was the person’s natural response and is not something to be debated, belittled or otherwise discounted; the person is best served by processing their feelings, looking at why they feel that way and coming to completion with the feeling. Unresolved feelings have a habit of coming back to haunt us later, often at the worst possible time. Trying to explain possible motives for the bad behavior in an attempt to ease feelings, often done with the best of intentions, interrupts the processing and results in an incomplete resolution of the issue. At this point they might stop listening to you, trusting you or sharing with you, damaging your relationship.

When a person has processed their emotions and is settling into dealing with the aftereffects of what happened, then it can be very helpful for that person to look at why it might have happened and develop a constructive way to deal with it. This is the time when the person is less likely to take excuses personally. This is the time it can be helpful to understand there may be many reasons. This is the time to plan how to address the “offending” party and resolve the issue.

When we communicate, we want to make sure others hear us. They cannot hear us if we are causing them anxiety or pain, making things worse. They will not hear us if they find our words objectionable. It is incumbent on us to make sure we communicate in a manner that makes it safe for those to whom we are speaking to hear our message. Anything else isn’t communication; it is a monologue or noise.

In short, it is still not helpful to make excuses for others bad behavior – until the offended party has successfully processed their feelings about what happened, is ready to move forward and asks for ideas. It behooves us to wait for them to indicate they are ready instead of jumping in and trying to fix things.

Remember ... it's all in how you say it!